Ah the mimsey pursuits of warfare! The fineries of dejected rank and disillusioned file! Alas, how I have missed supping on the spirits of victory during my sabbatical. Had it not been so long since I’ve bathed in the vinegars of warfare I dareseay I may not even have waved a signal at these Cleveland barbarians!
Dare I entreat such a peevish tale upon you? Fine then in order to waste my time and yours. Gen. B. Roethlisberger took upon him such a blow to his (albeit already thick) head that from my bathhouse I heard the calling of the need for gentlemanly leadership. Whom am I to turn asunder these lads whom have fit to pay my tenure as general-on-retainer? Though the notion of simply riding side saddle onto victory did sound pleasing I admitte I felt the old tickle of battle downe my spine, and so stepped into the fray to reclaim the fame of my yester years.
Ande of course you know the reste. With a calooh and a callay I myselfe rallied the offense after poor Benjamins ill-timed incapacitation. And with the help of that zealous (if not a bit crass) Lt. Parker I made waste to the enemy like so many bested social opponents that I daresay the battle became a bit droll, if not for the vivid additions it will no doubt carry into my memoirs.
I have recently read in the periodicals that an up and coming gang from San Diego has come to challenge my knowledge of warfare. Let them flog like children at my defenders, for my repertoire is vast and unyielding; by the time they have unlocked the pattern of my attack I will have concocted thousands of new ways to humiliate them! Though the uneducated novice may hold him in high standard I will toss the head of Lt. Q. Jammer to the masses of Pittsburgh like the common pheasant on a thanks-givings eve lottery!
And shall that poor galoot Benjamin get the better of himself and take commande may he do so happily in the pursuit of battle! For the longer this Pittsburgh brigade call upon my veteran hand, the more ammunition I obtain for defending my own reputation in the periodicals! I almost felt the need to write a letter of thanks to Admiral Tomlin for calling upon me to personally render victory against my oldeste rival Lord D. Gerrard of Jacksonville, may the debt collectors and press gangs hound his immortal soul forevere. Indeed it is almost as if I have felt a bond with these men. . .
. . . but such talk is foolishness. Look unto the field of Hienz come sunsday wherein we shall prove once and for all whose autobiography is the most worthy of reviews and excerpts.
Lord Byron
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I write you this day with a Mightey weight havving been lifted from my Shoulders. Let it Be sung throughout evvery Beer Stall and Wine House of Pennsylvania that The Curse of Foxborough hath Been Lifted! With hott tempers and fierey intentions we mett that albatross which has plagued us and soured our Intentions and Vexxed our goings on for nigh on a Decade and in the darkest New Englande stormery we Did render victory! Tell your fellows That we make returne to Pittsburgh heroes all! Tell them we Defeatted The Beast!
O miserable was the Nighte that we Did come face to face with the Fiends! Throgh Winde and Fogg they came upon us, unrelenting in their Aggression like we have seen so many times before! Their infernal Commandre, first among the fallen, Gen. Cassell, reached his Hoary claws deep out into our Ranks and I must admitte that I felt a Terror in my heart. In his Eyes I swear I could see the Bidding of his Dark Lorde, that nosferatu whose name I dare not put to quill until I knowe I am safetly within the Borders of Pittsburgh but whom you surely know and whose dreaded Word echoed in their actions.
Though our lads fought braveley their dark arts Befuddled us at every Turn and for every step we tooke they seemed to take two in returne! Then like a beacon of light into that most dismall place Lt. C. Hampton (who in his experience has been defeated by these devils aforre) founde in his rage a divine strength And with the Might of twentey leagues of men Penetrated the defense of The Host and struck to Cassell such a blow that I wonder if Lucifer himself did not quiver in Hell!
Here lay our pathway to victory! Those brave men those Champions of Seattle Founde a rekindled Spirite the likes I have not seen since I was a youngre man and they did turn it towards their oldeste enemey! Lt. Harrison (he is the Bravest man in all the Land and Sea) Tore throgh their ranks like a thresher throgh stalks of wheat! Polamalu the Wilde ran amok here and their with his savage mane flowing ferociously and once again bringing pride to his barbarian fathers And laying waste to the Fiends whome he Hates so Dearely!
I havve not been so proud of my men in years and when I called them forwarde durring battle they Threw themselves into that Shambling Horde with suche violence and metall That nary a single one of the demons could maintain their taste for battle and yet still we would not allow an easy surrendre! The Darkness crepte from our feet as we marched and even He, the Beast himself, the most unclean, did shudder at our approach! Next to his cowering visage Admiral Tomlin appeared a Giant and it was with Great pride that I reported our victory too Him.
Though the Demon has fallen we Now return back to Three Rivers with haste! We have reports from the Frontier that a Southern army makes march against us lead by the Mexican, Antonio Romo. But Pittsburgh is a harsh mistress to her strangers and after our latest victory I looke forwarde to unleashing my men upon him!
General Benjamin Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Brigade, American F.C. North Commander of Forces
O miserable was the Nighte that we Did come face to face with the Fiends! Throgh Winde and Fogg they came upon us, unrelenting in their Aggression like we have seen so many times before! Their infernal Commandre, first among the fallen, Gen. Cassell, reached his Hoary claws deep out into our Ranks and I must admitte that I felt a Terror in my heart. In his Eyes I swear I could see the Bidding of his Dark Lorde, that nosferatu whose name I dare not put to quill until I knowe I am safetly within the Borders of Pittsburgh but whom you surely know and whose dreaded Word echoed in their actions.
Though our lads fought braveley their dark arts Befuddled us at every Turn and for every step we tooke they seemed to take two in returne! Then like a beacon of light into that most dismall place Lt. C. Hampton (who in his experience has been defeated by these devils aforre) founde in his rage a divine strength And with the Might of twentey leagues of men Penetrated the defense of The Host and struck to Cassell such a blow that I wonder if Lucifer himself did not quiver in Hell!
Here lay our pathway to victory! Those brave men those Champions of Seattle Founde a rekindled Spirite the likes I have not seen since I was a youngre man and they did turn it towards their oldeste enemey! Lt. Harrison (he is the Bravest man in all the Land and Sea) Tore throgh their ranks like a thresher throgh stalks of wheat! Polamalu the Wilde ran amok here and their with his savage mane flowing ferociously and once again bringing pride to his barbarian fathers And laying waste to the Fiends whome he Hates so Dearely!
I havve not been so proud of my men in years and when I called them forwarde durring battle they Threw themselves into that Shambling Horde with suche violence and metall That nary a single one of the demons could maintain their taste for battle and yet still we would not allow an easy surrendre! The Darkness crepte from our feet as we marched and even He, the Beast himself, the most unclean, did shudder at our approach! Next to his cowering visage Admiral Tomlin appeared a Giant and it was with Great pride that I reported our victory too Him.
Though the Demon has fallen we Now return back to Three Rivers with haste! We have reports from the Frontier that a Southern army makes march against us lead by the Mexican, Antonio Romo. But Pittsburgh is a harsh mistress to her strangers and after our latest victory I looke forwarde to unleashing my men upon him!
General Benjamin Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Brigade, American F.C. North Commander of Forces
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Private Letter from General Roethlisberger
Private latter to _______, the Seconde of Novembre __07
Scrambling to recover from our Bloodey defeat at the hands of Gen. E. Manning of the New Yorke regiment, we marched, nay, hobbled into the fields of Washington yester day eve. Tho our ranks had Been worn thin by the Hands of that Detestable Elijah (a thousand poxes on his House and most hated kin!) our lads marched with high spirits upon Washington against the forces of Gen. J. Campbell.
The battle startted grimm! Our offensive forces missed Their targets here and again! I must admitte that I did question the vitality of Lt. S. Holmes, whose courage which I myself have knowne on so many Occasions, may have been Shaken by that accursed devil weed whose addictive hold incapacitated him during the battle of New Yorke! Yet his return marked a high raise of morale within the ranks, as too with Col. William Parker whome had taken a round of iron from Those green devils in Philadelphia! Yet even with these veterans back within our lines the Washington defenders held Ground mightily!
I almost feared the Worst when Gen. Campbell signalled his men to attack. Legends of their Cavalryman C. Portis had beene travelling up and down the coast and I myselfe have read reports of Commanders within Whose ranks he has run Amok! But I tell you the truth even he, that Scourge of Dallas, was no match for Our hardened veterans! Lt. J. Harrison leapt here and about, a whooping and a whailing like a fearsome Savage! His latest protoge Lt. L. Woodley, a young man ripe from the academy, has once againe proven himself an Invaluable membre of our cause. Togethre they routed the Washington forces and with the help of the rest of the lads (even that Col. Taylor, whose name you surely have heard me curse before!) brought the boot down on Old Campbell himself!
But alas, the Victory did not comme without a price. I regret that while leading my battalion deep into the enemies ranks I took a mighty Blow to my rifle arm, which left me useless and encumbered for the rest of battle. But Courage took many forms that night and the venerable Lord Byron of Jacksonville, whose service we illicited earlier in the year picked up my command (the Lord is a well studied student of warfare) and with the help of Liutenants Ward and Holmes (whome I am proud to say found his old stallwortness when duty neccessitated it) picked apart the battered remains of Washington's Forces.
A commanding win for us as the men of Washington are by no means reputed to be a rag tag group of militia or roughians like so many of our other bested foes, but whose skill is renowned and admired throughout the forces of the National F. C. We travel now back to our Beloved three rivers where we will ready to make Stand against the Brother of that cursed General Manning! Though his kin did defeat us we shall exact the price of vengence upon Him! I relish in the thought of writing Gen. Manning to personally tell him the news of his brothers disgrace at my hands So that he may see the Price that comes with His cowardly tactics!
I hope this letter reaches you well and I look forward to your correspondence. Look next week to the Confluence wherein victory shall again be ours.
General Benjamin Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Brigade, American F.C. North Commander of Forces
Scrambling to recover from our Bloodey defeat at the hands of Gen. E. Manning of the New Yorke regiment, we marched, nay, hobbled into the fields of Washington yester day eve. Tho our ranks had Been worn thin by the Hands of that Detestable Elijah (a thousand poxes on his House and most hated kin!) our lads marched with high spirits upon Washington against the forces of Gen. J. Campbell.
The battle startted grimm! Our offensive forces missed Their targets here and again! I must admitte that I did question the vitality of Lt. S. Holmes, whose courage which I myself have knowne on so many Occasions, may have been Shaken by that accursed devil weed whose addictive hold incapacitated him during the battle of New Yorke! Yet his return marked a high raise of morale within the ranks, as too with Col. William Parker whome had taken a round of iron from Those green devils in Philadelphia! Yet even with these veterans back within our lines the Washington defenders held Ground mightily!
I almost feared the Worst when Gen. Campbell signalled his men to attack. Legends of their Cavalryman C. Portis had beene travelling up and down the coast and I myselfe have read reports of Commanders within Whose ranks he has run Amok! But I tell you the truth even he, that Scourge of Dallas, was no match for Our hardened veterans! Lt. J. Harrison leapt here and about, a whooping and a whailing like a fearsome Savage! His latest protoge Lt. L. Woodley, a young man ripe from the academy, has once againe proven himself an Invaluable membre of our cause. Togethre they routed the Washington forces and with the help of the rest of the lads (even that Col. Taylor, whose name you surely have heard me curse before!) brought the boot down on Old Campbell himself!
But alas, the Victory did not comme without a price. I regret that while leading my battalion deep into the enemies ranks I took a mighty Blow to my rifle arm, which left me useless and encumbered for the rest of battle. But Courage took many forms that night and the venerable Lord Byron of Jacksonville, whose service we illicited earlier in the year picked up my command (the Lord is a well studied student of warfare) and with the help of Liutenants Ward and Holmes (whome I am proud to say found his old stallwortness when duty neccessitated it) picked apart the battered remains of Washington's Forces.
A commanding win for us as the men of Washington are by no means reputed to be a rag tag group of militia or roughians like so many of our other bested foes, but whose skill is renowned and admired throughout the forces of the National F. C. We travel now back to our Beloved three rivers where we will ready to make Stand against the Brother of that cursed General Manning! Though his kin did defeat us we shall exact the price of vengence upon Him! I relish in the thought of writing Gen. Manning to personally tell him the news of his brothers disgrace at my hands So that he may see the Price that comes with His cowardly tactics!
I hope this letter reaches you well and I look forward to your correspondence. Look next week to the Confluence wherein victory shall again be ours.
General Benjamin Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Brigade, American F.C. North Commander of Forces
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Boston
I visited my extended family in New England a few weeks ago, which was good because they are nice people and I like spending time with them, but bad because that is where the Patriots are from. I stayed in Boston for the most part, but we made a trip to the town of Hull (about an hour east of the city) to fulfill a sort of mission that my Mom had concocted.
Somewhere along the line she heard that my great grandmother played the organ on an island where they kept Italian prisoners of war during the 40's. I guess back then pianists were hard to come by - every Sunday the military would ship her over to the prison island (they had to keep the Italians on the island because otherwise people would try to throw things at them and shoot them and stuff) where she would play the organ during church.
My mom called the park service to see if there was any way we could get onto the island to check out the old church and snoop around. Normally it was close by this time of the year but for some reason they really went out of their way to help us and said they would pick us up in a boat at a pier outside of town to take us over. I guess it was supposed to be his day off or something because the captain was the angriest man in the world.
This was a view from the boat. One of the houses belongs to my great aunt who is awesome. Also the Kennedys have been in like all of them.
The island is just an old fort anymore. A bunch of dilapidated buildings, which I would have thought was awesome when I was ten, and which I still thought was awesome at 22.
An angry building.
There was a garden full of this stuff, sitting out in the open nonchalantly as if everything was okay and not out of the ordinary at all.
Lazy buildings are no match for the wily grip of mother nature!
The oldest fire hydrant in the world. Built by a caveman perhaps??
This residents of Hull allowed this windmill to be built at the end of their peninsula (and geographically, the end of their town) because it saves them a lot of money on energy costs and it is neat. The rich people there don't like it because they are assholes. Sometimes these assholes are also senators named Ted Kennedy.
We saw the church where my great grandma allegedly played but it was locked up and pretty much looked like every other wooden building in the universe from the outside. I snapped a picture through a giant keyhole, but inside it was just old pews, boxes, and a propane tank I think.
After a few hours of meandering around ruins and paths through the woods we got a boat back to Hull, which is a very nice little town.
All of the houses along the bay look like this. It would be a nice place to live if you were either retired or you are a salty sea captain.
Also this:
One day I too hope to rule over my enemies and neighbors with a life sized bear weather vane.
Somewhere along the line she heard that my great grandmother played the organ on an island where they kept Italian prisoners of war during the 40's. I guess back then pianists were hard to come by - every Sunday the military would ship her over to the prison island (they had to keep the Italians on the island because otherwise people would try to throw things at them and shoot them and stuff) where she would play the organ during church.
My mom called the park service to see if there was any way we could get onto the island to check out the old church and snoop around. Normally it was close by this time of the year but for some reason they really went out of their way to help us and said they would pick us up in a boat at a pier outside of town to take us over. I guess it was supposed to be his day off or something because the captain was the angriest man in the world.
There was a dog on the boat. A motherfucking boat dog.
The island is just an old fort anymore. A bunch of dilapidated buildings, which I would have thought was awesome when I was ten, and which I still thought was awesome at 22.
An angry building.
There was a garden full of this stuff, sitting out in the open nonchalantly as if everything was okay and not out of the ordinary at all.
Lazy buildings are no match for the wily grip of mother nature!
The oldest fire hydrant in the world. Built by a caveman perhaps??
This residents of Hull allowed this windmill to be built at the end of their peninsula (and geographically, the end of their town) because it saves them a lot of money on energy costs and it is neat. The rich people there don't like it because they are assholes. Sometimes these assholes are also senators named Ted Kennedy.We saw the church where my great grandma allegedly played but it was locked up and pretty much looked like every other wooden building in the universe from the outside. I snapped a picture through a giant keyhole, but inside it was just old pews, boxes, and a propane tank I think.
After a few hours of meandering around ruins and paths through the woods we got a boat back to Hull, which is a very nice little town.
All of the houses along the bay look like this. It would be a nice place to live if you were either retired or you are a salty sea captain.Also this:
One day I too hope to rule over my enemies and neighbors with a life sized bear weather vane.Friday, June 27, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The New Indiana Jones movie was not very good
I have in fact been telling people that it “failed on every conceivable level,” but I suppose that is a bit harsh. It wasn’t an awful movie; it was just an awful Indiana Jones movie. If it had instead been called National Treasure 3: The Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls, I probably would have walked away from the theater saying something like “well that was fun,” which is an attitude that some people think is unfair. These people are wrong.
Pretend for instance that you are (for some reason) a fan of the
Of course I exaggerate. Indiana Jones 4 is still a comedy/action movie with all the same major elements as the originals. But it is chalk full of little details which permeate throughout, creating an overall atmosphere which just doesn’t feel right, kind of like one of those cheap Halloween costumes of a copyrighted figure with just enough changes as to escape lawsuits. You know the ones I mean – like a cheap kit that has all the attire of The Joker only it’s labeled something like “dapper clown criminal” and the jacket is blue instead of purple, but it’s still the Goddamn Joker and you want to call up the company and ask them just who the hell they think they are fooling.
That is what the new Indiana Jones is like. Which is sad, because it wasn’t directed by some poor sap they picked off the streets, or even by George Lucas (whose continuing insistence on being a part of films makes me cry oily tears of pure liquid disdain), but by Steven Spielberg, who was a part of the trilogy from the beginning and whose films I have always had a really fun time watching.
Also I saw a new preview for The Dark Knight and it was great.
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